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Monday, February 1, 2010

just too funny not to tell

Not to long ago Billy Max 4 was hunting waterfowl with some friends and had come up to stay at the ranch with the wife and I. Now for Christmas my daughter in law had given me some sugar free gummy bears, that I had setting in my man cave to munch on occasionally. Knowing the laxative effects that sugar free candy can have, I always be careful how much of this confection I consume, especially when I am chest deep in my waders! Max 4 and I were in my cave when he spied the gummy bears sitting on a shelf. Now this man is very particular about his gummy snacks, clear ones are fine orange and white are okay but never red and green or some such shit. So he opens the bag and starts to consume way to many of the bears to be safe in the morning I tell ya. So watching I suggest we go down and get a cheese steak/Blue Moon and play some KENO at the local pizza place. Couple of Blue Moons and 5 games of KENO later we are out the door and heading for home, assembling gear for the morning hunt, it has not yet begun to snow. Now if it is one thing I am it is quiet when I go hunting, so I told Max 4 that he had best be quiet in the morning, and not wake me up as I was not going to go in the snow and blow. At 4:15 AM I am awaken by what can only be described as a space shuttle taking off in my bathroom. Then we had main engine ignition and I thought the roof was coming off the place. I was awake naturally and just about to get up and see if he wanted me to fix some ham biscuits and coffee, when I heard the sound of running feet and another booster rocket was launched from my john. Thank god he turned on the fan and did not light a match as the results would have been disastrous! Finally I hear him get out the door and the truck start up and I knew he was off for the day goose hunting. Now I have to say that in all the years I have known this man him and a bear do not have one thing in common, he cannot use the bathroom in the woods, but today would be special. While putting out decoys he was struck with what can only be described as labor pains, and sharp pains going down his inside thighs to his feet. Stopping so as not to soil his pants he waddled back and got another decoy or two and tried to set them up only to be stopped by what can best be described as the birthing process it self. Noticing a tree line 200 yds distant he decided that maybe now was the time to break the no bathroom in the woods thing and start to work his way over there. He arrived in just the nick of time finding a suitable tree and fighting to remove his waders and long johns, he managed to just get settled in when he gave birth to what can only be described as a mess. Of course his colon cornet was trumpeting and he was having sighs of relief that were heard back at the blind. Clean up was no picnic and he was getting snowed on and such at about this time, so his waders were pleasant. Waddling back to the blind the guys had some Vienna sausages on the grill and a bag of powdered doughnuts, soon a can of smoked oysters were brought out but he did not have much appetite. All in all a good hunt I guess they only got one goose, and it snowed hard as the dickens, but another story to share in the blind was born. 

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